Love and other 35 years old stuff
After three days of pulling my hair, being lost in my incessant chatter and wondering if I had left my Peace back in England, I look over to Hiranya, my norwegian friend, and told her: "You know, if at 35 I am having exactly the same relationship issues and facing the same old freaking stories in my head that I had when I was 25, perhaps the main problem is within me. Maybe it is not so much about picking the right guy, but about becoming the right woman." If champagne had been at hand, I am sure she would´ve popped the cork right there and then, and applauses would´ve appeared in crescendo, while the whole Universe sighed in relief for this so obvious, yet so elusive breakthrough. "Well, that is something worth writing about!", she said. And I am, six weeks later. Because that moment embarked me on a path of self-awareness where I discovered more clutter than you would find in any hoarders´ garage. Time to clean up.
Summing up: I´ve been in a relationship with a guy for the last four months. It appeared when least expected, just when I was enjoying my greek life not looking for a guy. And despite the efforts to ignore what has happening, it kept being smashed in my face until I caved to the obvious. Yet this time I wanted to do things differently, given the fact that I have not shined for my assertiveness in that area. So I took it slow and let life define the pace, which was fantastic because I have never actually just dated before deciding to be in a relationship. In or out from the beginning. Never knew it was so lovely to go out for a meal!
But most importantly I did not jump into the usual haze where I would definitely be starstruck by the feeling itself, and end up star-stuck realising a year later that I was only in love with my own image of the counterpart instead of the reality of it. I am not that clever, I had a lot of help to keep my horses calm.
Turns out, life has a much better idea of who I am, what I want, what I need and what I deserve. It´s been adventure after adventure: writing in Italy, romancing in France, retreating in Spain, teaching in Norway, vacationing in Scotland, working in England. Not even in my wildest european cinema dreams could I have imagined these last months.
Oh, but make no assumptions. Reality is reality. Relationships are not only an Instagram still picture that captures the moments where one is laughing with the sunset behind wearing a polka dot scarf. The biggest adventure is always the relationship with ourselves and how relationships appear to teach us that there is always more love if you allow it. And for that, you need to clear the clutter, or the clutter will tear you apart. And it takes courage, openness, rawness, vulnerability and a ton of humbleness.
Obviously - and thankfully - our true colors started to reveal themselves way quicker than in my usual mirage based relationships. The unpretty, unworthy, armoured parts came up to the surface and regardless of the breathtaking scenarios arounds us, shit started hitting the fan. As it does in a real life movie. And I asked for real this time.
"Not..a....gain.." I picked the wrong one, again. Why do I always go for the weird ones? Oh, oh... hold on, really, this dialogue...again? Stop. If I have learned something in my years as a consciousness explorer is that thoughts are not real and that life is always trying to show us where we hold on to concepts and ideas of identity so we can let them go. Life loves us beyond our understanding.
Doing things differently meant that I needed to face this part from another standing point. Specially this part. And the opportunity was given for me to spend some time on my own, away from my sweetheart, and so I could see what was really happening. Well, me and my 1,500 concepts and ideas about love.. didn´t feel so alone.
As much as I wanted to silence my head, I couldn´t. No technique, no awareness, nothing I have learned was working. Shit was up and it wasn´t going anywhere. So I had to allow it. Just allow the unbearable uncomfortability of being, to be. But with a lot of help I was determined this time not to make any of this about him. "Him" was only a trigger. No matter how convincing my head was about how all this feelings were his fault and how I was such a victim of fate always falling for the wrong guy. After many years I had to realise the truth: my head was lying and this software had been installed maybe even before I was born.
And the sky cleared. Not only on its own, but when I redirected my focus opportunities arose to take a good close look and burn patterns as if they were on sale. Not because I am broken, but because I was still holding on to ideas of brokenness that were impeding me to see myself in my wholeness. And guess what happens when you experience yourself through the eyes of apparent broken-ness: you see the world as broken. And it is not. And what happens when you start experiencing yourself as whole? You start seeing the world as whole, and everywhere you look, everyone you look at, will feel in a safe space in your presence to let go of their false ideas of brokenness as well. How freaking magical.
And that is how we help each other grow. And that is how I have been experiencing my man and I help each other grow. Eckhart Tolle said it well: "Relationships are not meant to make you happy, they are meant to make you conscious." And thankfully I get to be sharing the last months with someone as committed to growth as I am and there is no stopping that: it can only go exponential.
I still find myself not knowing anything about anything. Certainly not about relationships. But it becomes more and more clear that it always starts and ends with me and that ultimately, a romantic relationship is one of the biggest opportunities out there to love yourself fully through the eyes of another. Not only by the tza tza tsu that tickles the heart, but also by the reflection of the mirage of our apparent dark side, until we are able to laugh at the big fat lie we have been believe and shine more light in our hearts.
And I am blessed to be experiencing that at the moment. I am no one to say that I am fully loving myself now, but I do feel closer to the correct approach. And I am blessed to discover everyday the wonderful being that has been placed besides me, and following the thread of his soul that keeps pleasantly surprising me everyday by the depth of his heart.