2015. Worst year ever?
It´s funny how I used to think that being aligned with a path of Enlightenment would get rid of challenges, wrong turns, mistakes, or choosing poorly. Cosmic joke on me. After being dumped in September - which now I realise is the best thing that could ever happen to me- I started a love affair. With myself. I used to hate seeing posts on Facebook about how wonderful it is to be single, and how one needs no one to be happy. To be honest, I used to think that losers would tell that to themselves to not feel such losers.
Well I am no one to make those claims, but I am pro play the cards you were given.
I have been in relationships non-stop since 2007. So 4 months of singledom is a long time. And I´ve developed such a relationship with myself, discovered so many secret passages, hidden feelings, woken up new passions, that I am absolutely adoring this time. No, it hasn´t been all bubbles of joy, but it has been absolutely clarifying.
For the longest time I believed I was someone who secretly loved trouble. Somehow I was always getting myself into the most emotionally complicated situations, just to find a way to get out of them with no scratches. Addicted to emotional adrenaline. Many times I got out breezy and victorious and many times I came out like a mad dog after a dog fight held in a dodgy neighbourhood in Mexico City. It was fun, I won´t deny that. But was it leading me to freedom? Apparently not.
Now I am playing differently. Why? Because the same game will always lead to the same results. It was time to shuffle the cards. To get rid of the "trouble" label. It´s just another stigma I identified myself with in the quest for an exciting life.
4 months. No dates. No sex. No flirting. Nada. Maybe for you is nothing but for me, always addicted to beautiful boys and exciting -must make a movie- relationships, this time has been golden. Being content with nothing feels like freedom. Well, maybe I did kiss someone once, but that is another story, and I don´t kiss and tell. What I can tell you is that it flared up more hidden thoughts, more ideas of who I am to transcend. Ideas of "me" that I didn´t know I had, and that I am so freaking grateful they came up, because that is the only way to let them go.
I have become a professional surfer of life.
At some point, sitting outside my old apartment crying like a widow, I found myself thinking this year could not get any worst. Lost, with no direction, with no sense of what was next, with nothing to hold on to but this Silence within and the Teaching that keeps me sane.
Turns out, it is the only thing one needs to be peaceful.
Life started opening up in ways I didn´t expect. And the only thing I had to do was to stay still, and choose for this present moment beyond anything else.
So no, it was not the worst year of my life. It was actually fucking amazing. Life is so wise that it scraped away from me what was slowing me down, who was keeping me small. And I have travelled, and travelled more, I have closed circles -if that is even a thing-, I have loved my friends and family, I have being more at service to my community, I got the best apartment in the world, and I am exploring new possibilities with a sense that I can do absolutely anything I want in the world. I am lucky like that.
My dream has never been living in a suburban home, with a 9-5, with a husband and two kids and a routine that might be the same for 20 years. Mostly everyone around me has that. I don´t want it. Yes it makes me feel odd, outcast and strange, but I still don´t want it. I don´t envy that. It makes me happy to see my friends having that, but I do not see myself in that. Of course I want a husband, and maybe even kids, but I want adventure, growth, a life beyond ordinary, surprises, and true happiness.
A miraculous life.
This months have given me the clarity to see how I kept trying to fit the mold, to be that type of woman, to "fix" myself so I would have something that turns out I don´t even want! Condemned to fail from the beginning working against my nature. I am loving myself exactly as I am and finally honouring that I am different, and that it is ok. There are lots of different people out there. I know a bunch.
34. Are you married? Uhh.. no. Do you have kids? Uhhh.. no. And I respond that in contentment. I have the world on my feet and nothing to stop me. My true commitment and first is and will always be with consciousness, with waking up from the illusion that I am my thoughts. And that is the biggest adventure a human being can embark on.
What awaits in 2016? I have no idea. I know I am booked for working at retreats the first 7 months of the year. But I have no idea what it will be about.
I know I am covered.