The Ultimate Survivor´s Guide to Unexpected Break Ups. -week two-
I don´t how long has it been since my last post. It´s maybe week three. I guess it´s a good sign that I am not marking the days with a red marker in my imaginary calendar. Days go by and things keep falling off like burnt skin after a week in the sun. Some of them I don´t even realise it, and some I need to peel them off, carefully and slowly.
Here are more things I´ve discovered this week (s). I seriously wish that it benefits others that are going through the same experience.
Don´t look forward: By all means walk forward. Take steps. Focus on what you want and start heading towards that. Yet, please refrain yourself from attempting to peek into the future. Not in a million years, we will know what´s coming to us. And take a leap of faith and believe that better, amazing things are coming.
I can´t remember the last time I ended a relationship and there wasn´t someone else on sight. I have always been a good next-er. It doesn´t mean I was a cheater. But you know, there was always on the list, someone alluring to get to know. Not this time. I burned all my bridges when I started this relationship. Why do I need the little what if book if he´s the one? Cosmic jokes never seize to startle me.
Hence, the future, if I try to envision it, seems something like me, sitting in this same couch, twenty years from now, alone, with 100 cats, still writing about this breakup.
So, no. To the best of your ability, don´t do that. It might be helpful to remember that one year ago, five years ago, ten years ago you were living a completely different situation, excited about completely different things, and probably in love with someone completely different. And not in a million years, when you were twenty-four, would you have guessed where you are at right now. Life will keep moving, and you will move with it. Chill out.
Why? The ultimate question not to ask. One of the most helpful advises I´ve received. Do not ask why, it will only lead to suffering.
Romantics out there, these are times to dip your head in a bucket of ice water. To be practical and simple. It´s done. It´s over. No matter how many approaches you can have as to respond the "why", none of them will change the situation, nor will make you feel any better.
Instead of why, maybe just shake it off with a "Wow." It was a ride. You live, you love, you learn, you let go.
Be mad at the sinner, not the sin. I am not trying to get religious, nor implying that there are wrongs. It´s helped me tremendously to be mad, when I do get mad, at the action itself, the circumstance, and not at the person itself.
Strangely, and completely unexpected in my version of a very long romantic comedy (with A lot of black humor), me and my ex have become housemates. Not the uncomfortable type of living with the ex, not like Good morning, I hate you, I hope you choke with that cup of coffee that you are drinking in the coffee mug I gave you for Christmas, that by the way, I had to order it from probably fucking Taiwan just so you could have it, not that type. But friends, people that care a lot for each other and are helping each other to move on. And now, we don´t have sex, or kiss, or hold hands. Keep it clean.
Yes I still get really pissed sometimes when I remember he is my ex. What the hell was he thinking? Idiot! I am a catch! And making it about the sin, not the sinner, makes it easier to deal with.
And you also are not cooperating to send more bad vibes into this world.
Move on everyday. You will find ways to move on. Some of them tiny, some of them big like searching for an apartment. You will be constantly faced with the choice of holding on or letting go. Me, I choose letting go. Almost always. It´s OK also not to feel ready sometimes. The next day you will.
I´ve had to delete chat histories, throw aways dried flowers, or re-route certain plans. Not all of them are easy. Take a deep breath, and do it if you can. Cry if you must. But every action has an energetic reaction.
Even with sensation that your feet are in buckets of cement, keep walking forward.
You will review your previous relationships. And somehow they don´t look so bad anymore. Nah... it´s just a mind trick. It´s just the habit to search for the greener grass in our past. Oh, what if that cute Australian I used to go out with seven years ago, is really worth revisiting?
You broke up with them for a reason. They broke up with you for a reason. Of course, there is the exception to every rule and sometimes love does strike twice. But don´t worry, if it´s meant to happen that way, it will.
Focus on yourself, create new dreams, fill out your days with passions to pursue, with movies to enjoy, with nourishing your awesome self. Start a new hobby, retake old ones, sing. Discover new places in the city, visit old friends, eat in different restaurants. Really, really take care of yourself. If you have spiritual practice of some sorts, use it more. I do not skip my meditation these days. It keeps my grounded and clear.
And if nothing seems to work, give. Find ways to give.
You will have dull moments. As full as your days can be, you will meet moments of solitude and dullness. Those moments when suddenly you can even hear the crickets chirping, and it will seem is the only thing happening in your world now, and that probably you are the only person alone in the history of people. Not true.
Expect those moments, they are part of the process too. And expect to feel uncomfortable and lonely. So freaking what. You´ve had dull moments too while in the relationship!! Only now they seem different.
And in those moments you might want to pick up the phone and text him. Or go out and get smashed and be morally hangover the next morning. Or you might just want to shove your mouth with popcorn until you cannot breathe anymore.
If you happen to do any of those, don´t feel guilty afterwards. You did it, now get back on track. But recognise those moments as golden moments offering you the possibility to experience first hand that nothing is lacking and that you are more than enough. Let it sink in, and enjoy the nothingness. If you listen closely you can discover that this nothingness is full of presence. Of love.
And lastly, Do not be afraid. You can do this - obviously I am saying it to myself . Every person´s life is different and the challenges you face will be completely different from mine. But know that whatever is presented for you to overcome, it´s exactly what you need to grow, to be more of that awesome self. Everything will be just fine. Hold on tight and break through whatever fear.
Usually, fear is this magician that once you go through it, you discover it was only an illusion, a pretty good one that might´ve kept you frozen for a long time. But it´s smoke. See it for yourself.
Let´s see what happens in another week. In the meantime.. I will keep going, eating my popcorn one by one so I don´t choke.