The Ultimate Survivor´s Guide to Unexpected Break Ups. -week one-
The title is pretty much self explanatory. Yes. I got breaked up.
No, it wasn´t my decision.
Yes, it´s been ten years since someone broke up with me when I wasn´t expecting it.
No, this post is not about trashing my ex.
Yes, I thought my heart was breaking into one-million tiny pieces that reassembling back wouldn´t be possible even if 300 fairies were working on it for ten years. At least that´s how it felt the moment it happened.
Turns out, that is not true. Or what a greek tragedy life would be.
Ex-boyfriends Disclaimer: This post has nothing to do with the boy (s) in question. I have no doubt everyone is always doing the best they can and I am in no intention of judging any one. This solely reflects my own experience on it. If you happen to be the - or an - exboyfriend of mine reading this, just so you know.
It´s been ten days. For the sake of literary drama I would like to say that it has been ten miserable horrible days. But that isn´t true. Here are a few things that have helped me and I sure hope it can help someone else.
1. Do not pretend. A myriad of emotions will start washing through your nervous system. You are finishing something important. It will happen. How you feel the next 24 (or 48 or 72) hours is not directly proportional to how we feel about the person or the relationship. Even if you are the one breaking up, emotions will follow. Let them be. All of them. Cry, be angry, be quiet, talk, be as raw as you can allow yourself to be. The faster it all comes through, the faster calm will come back.
2. Avoid taking major life decisions while in the midst of the emotional turmoil. One major life decision has been taken. Hold on. Decisions made under the effects of confusion will tend to be confused. In my case, I have A lot of decisions to take. Chill. Clarity will start coming.
3. Ask for help. I don´t care if you are Macguiver. Everyone needs help. Feel perfectly OK with reaching out, calling all your friends. I had to be willing to go to some friend´s house even if that meant I was going to sit, stare at the ocean, cry, smoke and talk the same thing. It did not go well with the idea of my joyful, self-sufficient self, I was almost embarrassed. But who f*cking cares. If you need it, if you have friends, use them.
You might be surprised on how much easier it is to go through this with help.
4. Be wide open. This is a tricky one. How can I be wide open when I just got my heart broken? Well, it serves to be wide open so that the Universe, Life, the Matrix, or whatever it is you call it, can tell us what is trying to tell us. If we are wide open clarity will start shining through. It will find ways to arrive to your ears through your friends, family, or wherever you look around.
Humbleness can make the learning process faster, can shed light on the things you keep repeating relationship after relationship, it can allow your friends to be honest and tell you what they see so you do not start holding on to useless positions (i.e. (s)he will regret this, I can´t live without him (er), never ever love again.) The last thing I wanted during this breakup, was talking to people that would just agree with me and not help me see through my own crap.
Sure, comfortable friendships are that, be they won´t help you propel forward. I am lucky to have full on, honest, real friends around me.
5. Want to be Awesome. For all this to work, you must want to be OK. You must want to be fine. You must want to keep walking. Otherwise, nothing will get you out of this in a timely fashion. I remember some breakups where I would simply not want to be OK. I would say I did. But truth is, a part of me would rejoice in the drama, would hold on strongly and firmly to the memories, the thoughts, the why´s, the what if´s. There was something attractive about la vie bohéme of the broken hearted artist.
Believe me. It´s not. It´s not attractive at all. And as harsh as it may sound we are the ones that hold on to the past relationship, there is no such thing as I can´t get over it, it follows me around. I´ve gone through enough break ups in my life to have explored this deeply. It took me almost 6 years to finally discover that it was me who kept crying once in a blue moon for a long-lost-love.
Life is not mean. Life is awesome. But first, we need to want to be OK.
6. Follow the OKness the same way you gave to your significant other... or even more. I gave my ex everything I could. That´s the teaching I have and that´s how I play. Give 200% or nothing. Give it all, to everything. That way, only what´s 200% will stay, and and what´s not, will crumble. I do not settle for a half-ass life, not will I settle for a half-ass relationship with anyone, friends included. So by giving 200% to them is the best shot I have to find people that live that same way.
And that is a mistake I made on this relationship. I knew at some point it started NOT being 200% and I kept going.... but that is another post.
It only makes sense to do the same with me. Give that same 200% to what´s now, to soar, to thrive, to take care of myself, to follow what I want - even if I don´t know what it is -. Look pretty, dress up, smile every morning, be nice to people, have tasks to complete every day, let yourself be pampered, have some freaking attitude. Even if you want to crawl in your bed and not move for ages... do it. Even if you need to cry in the morning while on the phone with your best friend for a couple of hours, get up and be amazing after that.
Me, I took a trip to the beach to hang out with my uncle, my aunt and my two five and four year old cousins. It was on my bucket list. And it was such a wonderful surprise to actually enjoy having kids around. And yes, out of sight out of mind.
The sun will shine through, but you need to open up the curtains.
7. There are no post-breakup rules. If you are fortunate enough to have a clean break-up, (no cheating, no violence, no horrible situations) do not engage in a war. I personally have friendships with most of my exes. Some of them took some time, some of them started immediately. And yes, a couple shut me down from their lives and I shut down some others. I don´t think there are rules. Maybe I am wrong.
Whatever your choice, it´s useless to invest our energy in a war, in trying to behave a certain way, in trying to be someone you are not only to teach someone a lesson. Also useless, to harass, stalk, trying to get them back. Do not direct any energy towards what was or what could be.
Nah, it´s not worth it.
At the end, only you and him will know what serves for the new era. To me, it served immensely that we kept talking for the next few days, so my mind was put at rest and closure was natural. It´s cool to give someone else, and yourself, the space to express and keep moving the energy.
I don´t know if this relationship will keep on going as a friendship or if we will part ways. I have no clue, nor I intend to force it.
It´s only week one.