I´ve been having a few "emotional" days. And when I say emotional, I mean that I feel antsy, on the verge of crying all day, and more importantly, my head goes crazy like a mofo throwing me the same old stories that always bring me down. I should correct myself and say that I start paying attention to my mind. It is not like she wants to attack me and secretly plots how can she disrupt my peace and make my go in a down spiral.
So it has been a sticky story. I know the drill, I know how to choose for peace, I experience how fluidity and emptiness- the good one- feels like. And man, it is so freaking contrasting when the opposite occurs! I can see how the "me" develops and re-creates the same story: I will always be alone, i will never see my dreams come true, I need to go, far, far away to the land of happy people, I am a big and complete failure at relationships and I basically I am choosing terribly.
Oh, that one gets me often. But one day it won´t.
Mainly it happens when I assume how my partner´s path should look like. I "know" what he needs to do, and how he needs to let go and evolve. And it is from good intentions, I promise. But if it doesn´t happen my way, before I used to go into rage, now I become this wobbly, crying baby. But looking cute when I cry doesn´t mean that there is not a huge judgement underneath and a huge need to control.
And even perhaps, a huge belief system that it´s my partner´s choices that will define my happiness and where I go in life. It´s like I am afraid to take a step, and I wait to see where he is stepping, and then I think we will never walk the same way. But I don´t even walk so how is that ever going to happen?
It is hard for me to be an individual, and also be a partner. I do not know the lines. So when the line comes up, I feel trapped like a little mouse between wanting to run far away, wanting to know the future, wanting to snap my fingers and make everything right, wanting to sit and moan and cry. I hate yucky feelings.
So I did what I know how to do best. Ask for help. Being wide open to what my surroundings tell me. Through a friend´s phone call, to a message, to whatever comes up. I know better than to trust my mind in these situations. And slowly, the yuckiness starts moving. And luckily I now have someone that allows me to express myself and holds me with love while I figure my shit out.
And as much as it sucks, the spiritual path is about one and one only. About how can I love more, how can I let go more and be more accepting of what is, without hammering judgements here and there of what things should look like.
See, all is well, always. It´s only us that pretend to know better. How arrogant. Life has no concerns for what we think of it. It really doesn´t. It will keep happening. Our best shot is to open our eyes and our hearts and live every moment. And try the to be in awe of how it unfolds in front of us.
No matter how fast I walk the walk I will never be able to peek ahead. To see a bit further and know the outcome of things. I really wish I had that superpower. But I don´t. And this has been a huge teaching for me in the last months.
I always try to run and see the future to see if it is safe for me to give it all now. Nope.