The third year manifiesto
Today I celebrate my third anniversary with my life partner. Now, for a lot of you, this might not be a big deal, but for me it is. I´ve never celebrated three years of sharing my life with someone else. Why? Because I used to be uncommitted, oversensitive, dramatic, the-grass-is-always-greener, and an eternal searcher of the Holy Grial which I thought, was to be found in the shape of a man that was probably hiding behind the walls of an unaddressed house in a remote place. Then I became a monk. I found that the Holy Grial was nothing else but the sacredness of this present moment, where the infinite becomes tangible if one is aware. I discovered many life-long habits based in the content of my mind that kept me in a loop of unhappiness forever. Until I started making different choices. The emotional stability I kept searching for, was nowhere to be found, but within. And I found peace in the silence within.
Recently out in the world again, thinking I had nothing left to learn, eager to live my life as an Ishaya, to spread love everywhere, and to ´teach´people how to be happy, I met him. Or he found me. Not in a remote city, but back in my own country. Not from a foreign land, but born in my own hometown. Not this crazy bohemian with no attachments, but a wonderful artist committed to public service in a 9 to 5. And I fell in love. Ridiculously, crazy, an arrow in my heart love. I just knew.
Our circumstances of life, brought us to live together since day One. Two strangers living under the same roof, protected only by the spell of love.
He treated me like I´ve never been treated before. Magic danced around us, romance, surprises, letters, long talks. I knew very well this stage of a relationship, it´s pretty much the only stage I always stayed for. But this relationship was beyond it all. I thought, this would be it forever. I would live in a life-long romance, not caring much about other things, but indulging in the pleasures and honeys of love.
My commitment to spiritual freedom and unconditional love hit me in the face. When one commits to something, the Universe delivers with all its power for your to experience it. I started bumping into my own ideals, my own expectations, my own shoulds and shouldnts, my own demons. I started experiencing my worst traits projected in him, and also my highest qualities. A lot of the aspects that I thought were gone (and many more I didn´t even know existed), would come up in the mornings.
Feelings of abandonment, of not being loved, of not being recognized would arise any given Saturday. Fear of losing him, of losing myself, of things becoming mundane. It got so complicated sometimes that I wanted to run. Not from him, but from this yucky feelings. No one else had ever made me feel so insecure and lost. It must be him, not me. Little I knew the only reason why he could bring that up in me was because the level of intimacy was actually real this time.
Run fast and far, where I could lick my wounds and find someone else. Someone who did love me.
But I am stubborn, and I have done that before, and know I had a tool, my inner Holy Grial. As an Ishaya, I´ve learned that everything I see in others is within me. That no one can feed my need for love, but it is for me to be love, and share. That unconditional love, means exactly that. Commitment means having no back door, no plan B.
I got to see that relationships are not only of two people; they affect our surroundings, the people we hang out with, and the rest of the Universe without us knowing. One relationship can change the world. So every time, and with a lot of help from my Teacher and my clear mirrors, I stayed. For two things: my own life goal of freedom, and the knowingness, even sometimes almost faded, that he is the real deal.
We have gone through good and bad, through sickness and health, through magic and mundane, through spirit and earth. We have become one, only to then demand our individuality, we have made ourselves deliriously happy and sometimes an irritating merry-go-round. But every time, behind all that, I´ve found love.
God brought you to me so I could learn what love is. Not the feeling, not the sensation, not the pleasure, but the whole expression. I asked for you. You take on your task with fullness, showing me exactly what I need to see in order to be more free, more accepting and more loving. So I can become more of who I am and help others. You give and serve and seldom ask for anything in return. You´ve shown me your being, your eternal self that is nothing other than love.
You are a living proof of God´s infinite wisdom. It takes courage to become exactly who your partner needs you to be so she can fulfill her heart´s desire. Sometimes it looks heavenly, sometimes not so much. But it takes someone with guts and a heart of gold.
You don´t quit on me. Your commitment to me keeps me grounded. You show me that true love is built in everyday life, in the small details, in the morning bagel, in the afternnoon beer. In the faithfulness of holding the fort when I am gone and warmingly welcoming me when I get back.
You show me that I don´t lack anything, even if sometimes it has to be shown by leaving me alone with my dramas. You help me be who I want to become. A true monk. A true expression of walking unconditional love. And God knows I couldn´t do it without you. You are the perfect gift. You have always been.
I always thought relationships should be easy. And they should. But I´ve learned that for that we need to be free from mind. That it becomes difficult when our positions are greater than the love. When judgement becomes more important than praise, when we take for granted what we have, and when we start taking instead of giving. When the needs for protection arise, when change is resisted, when one of the parties try to impose their will on something that is alive on its own. It becomes difficult when we don´t embrace that the one in front of us is God.
Until we don´t surrender to God in front of us, the tendency will always be hard.
We make it easy, when we as individuals become easy. It is not easy on it´s own. Our minds aren´t easy. The more we let go of our heads, the easier it becomes.
The world is not based on couples because it´s nice and cheap. It would be cheaper to live with a whole bunch! The world is based on relationships because they are our biggest teacher to become one with the whole Universe. Our biggest mirrors.
Sure, one can run away over and over again, searching for the Holy Grial. Until the demonsappear again and we don´t like what we see about ourselves. So we blame it on the other person and walk away. We overlook, that what we start seeing are all the limitations within, for love to shine fully.
With you I have learned, that love will go through any means, to bring up to the surface anything lower than love itself. And if one opens up and lets go, life becomes better, we become bigger, we can land in a different platform that transforms it all. Over and over again.
Sure, at times it can feel bloody uncomfortable, but the rewards are infinite.
And every day, I am glad I stayed. Just to see your face.
I love you.