There is a bizarre feeling when you have lived in several cities and you get to revisit them. It's like you never left. I am visiting the city I used to live in, Monterrey. Oh, what a wonderful, fast, green, mountain faced, fancy city. I love it.
And most importantly, the people. My people.
And then of course, the old habits, the memories, the common roads.
Today I had to visit the neighborhood I used to live in. And I almost turned on my street, if it weren't for a bus that flew by and snapped my out of it. I also feared for my life a little bit.
It hit me. No, you don't revisit the old. It's not there anymore. Not even for curiousity, which has always been my Achilles heel. Always peeking, just to see what happens. Always tempting the devil, believing I have the means to get out when I am in the moment. What will happen if....
What happens? Nothing. You shower in old, stale water and remember why you left the past. It's muddy, it's gone, it's dead. Being hard headed, it's taken me years to understand this. I always pick up the trash once before I realize I gotta take it out again. And as it turns out, digging into the past is also a habit.
Maybe believing that I missed something, that there is an aspect of the past that I didn't look too deep before throwing it away. Hesitation. Double guessing. What a waste of time.
It's been a lot about trusting myself and moving forward. Of reclaiming my power and cut with all the ties that kept draining my energy. Of realizing that I need to stop feeding relationships that don't feed back.
It doesn't mean I don't love them. But I can love them from afar.
So it's been a hell of a trip so far. With lots of food, friends and wonderful surprises. And more time left to give to the ones I love and that leave me with a smile on my face and a bigger, happier, soul.