Blowing a kiss to 2014
I am not breaking any news by saying that another year went by. We are all aware of that except maybe the babies, the people with Alzheimer´s (like my grandma, who even though was not aware, celebrated with my uncle), and probably the chinese that celebrate a bit further, but of this last statement I am not even sure. Beyond any beliefs of astrology, chinese horoscope or energy portals opening and closing, what I know is that my year was a blast of changes, turns, ups, downs, swirls, twirls and surprises. And I really had to keep my arms wide open so I wouldn´t scratch my palms when things had to be gone, and I would have space between my hands to embrace the hugeness of what was coming.
These are the highlights of my 2014:
It was the first year without my mom. Like, without her presence on this Earth. Er... the physical presence, cuz the other one I really do feel it strongly once in a while. I swear even her smell visits sometimes. Dude, I really do not wish anyone has to experience this, it sucks. I know a lot people do, and I know a lot of people experience it way worst than I did.
It sucks. Period.
I consider myself one of the happiest people in the planet. I have been blessed to find a teaching and a path that allows me to rest in peace beyond any thought or emotion. I live in contentment every day and still it sucks. The memories, the objects, the things I never got to ask, the recipes I didn´t get, the certainty that she will not be in the most important moments of my life to come, and the excrutiating, heart breaking pain that comes whenever it hits me that I simply will not see her again. Ever.
I didn´t mean to be such a party pooper but listen, if you have your mom alive, love her. Give to her. Embrace her. Accept her exactly as she is. Not matter if you agree with her or not. Just cherish her and let her know she is loved.
If it wasn´t for her you wouldn´t be here. Period. That is a good enough reason. And probably she put up with you when you were a nagging baby, and probably she changed your stinky diapers and fed you even if her nipples bled. And maybe, she even had to stand other annoying moms just so you could play with your kid-friends. So, yes. Love her.
Hence, my relationship with my father has evolved to a different level. I have spent more time with him than I have in the last decade. We talk more, we share more, and I get to use him as a mom sometimes. And he is up to the task. We have become more adults, more honest, more open and more loving. And I am so grateful to have him. I really am. He is so amazingly cool. The same principle applies: Love.thy.father.
I broke up a 4 year old relationship. From Spain. Through whatsapp. Or it broke me up, I don´t really know. We went from being the "perfect couple": good looking, a bit eccentric, a bit artsy, with a cool house, with a cool group of friends, to nada. Zero. The connection we once had, was long gone and the relationship, on the inside, was dull, effortful, and really, really lonely. Our communication levels were down to minus 10 and no matter what we did, it appeared as though we were in different cars, going in different directions and on different highways.
I guess I learned sometimes love is not enough. It is a mystery to me that I intend to keep that way, but love wasn´t enough. I loved him with all I had and more. I gave everything I was, and even what I wasn´t. And it wasn´t enough. He probably did the same and felt the same. But I live with an open heart and in my experience he just wasn´t available to open up. I never knew what was going inside his head, let alone his heart. And must of his true feelings would come to me through third parties. So no, it was not and ideal true one-to-one connection. It was more like a pin-ball relationship and I am too upfront to deal with that.
The good thing when you break up is that you get to take all that you learn, and that is not part of the awkward but necessary who-takes-what phase:
Give, give and give more. Hit the reset button every morning and not hold him to the past. Be loyal and faithful and remain committed until that commitment is done and not one moment before. Not only my way is the only way and not only my truth is the only truth. I can love someone beyond their beliefs. Sometimes you have to believe in someone and see things develop at their own pace, even if you know where the ball is going to end up. No matter how much you love someone and you want them to see how amazing you are and how much you love them, they will see you through their own glass, and sometimes that will mean that you are the bitch that didn´t let them be. Therefore, I get to decide if I don´t want to spend the rest of my life with someone that doesn´t think I am the best and that I am not his favorite person. Life is too precious and I am too cool not to spend my life with someone that really enjoys spending time with me. I got to see that I can decide that.
With the breakup a whirlwind of changes came:
I moved. To another city. I had to say goodbye to my friends and to the town that gave me a home for four years. I had to pack my life in a week. And I got to experience that a best friend is the one that will fly for a day to help you pack and drive with you and open her home to you until you find your north again. And the worst of times become the best of times when you build up those kind of memories.
I discovered I have the best friends in the world. The ones that were there for me to say good-bye and help me out even if we were not going to live in the same city anymore. The ones that still keep my stuff in boxes in their homes while I have a proper home again. The ones that opened a home for me while I disrupted their marital life by living in their home so they couldn´t walk in their undies anymore. And they gave me a room, laughter, tears, wisdom, and a lot, a lot of hope of what a relationship can be.
I fell in love. Swept off my feet. Life has its own ways and once you decide to let go of something, sometimes is almost immediate that you are presented with a better opportunity. Something closer to your heart. And the resonance and the certainty is quick. Like, really fast. And you know you gotta seize the opportunity despite the proper timing in your head. And I am so freaking glad I did.
Five months ago I fell in love and it has been the most delightful of adventures. Full of laughter, connection and truth. A real sense of belonging in the most casual and natural way. No fluff, no pose, just us, as we are. And how we are is so, so, amazing I cannot explain the contentment. No, it hasn´t all been pink. Yes, we have had our heads bumping and yes there are things that could potentially break us apart. But there is willingness, love, gentleness, and when I am with him I become a version of me that I love being. I really like myself around him. And he the cutest, funniest, most loving, honest, simple, down-to-earth, multicolored man I have ever met.
Despite both of us being a bit shy and bit scared, the relationship seems to have a life of its own and a pace that goes faster than us. Sometimes he wants to hit the breaks, sometimes I do, but we always live up to the task and we always thrive. And every time we do, everything becomes a bit more fantastic. In New Year´s eve, he told me that he was slow, that this was not nearly everything he can give and I almost fell of my chair because I have never been given this much already.
So I moved. Again. Partially. To his town. And he has opened his arms, his heart, his family, his friends, and his life to me. And I am cautiously treating everything with the most care I can. Because I know how much it takes for someone to be that open. And I appreciate it so.
I have boxes in four cities. My so called life is everywhere. And I couldn´t be happier in this two bedroom apartment half a block from the ocean. And I am sure at some point all the things will come together again under the same roof. The good news is that I am not everywhere. I am here. All here. I am not fragmented, yet my heart is in all those places where I have been this year. And I am blessed to have spent this year with a lot of my favorite people in the world.
Maybe I am not clear about my passion. With all these changes it has been difficult to spot a direction. But, hey, the richness of the experiences is more than enough. I get to love, to give, to share myself with others, to teach meditation, to choose for peace and to be part of one of the coolest crowds in the world. And get to do it all with so much help from everything around me.
And it seems that is another thing I learned this year: it is so, so important to learn to receive, to be able to walk not as an island, but as an archipelago. When I opened up and decided not to go through any of this life on my own, life just becomes not only easier, not only swifter, but much, much, much enjoyable.
There is a reason we weren´t born in a bubble.
2015. Bring it.