A cold shower of humbleness
It´s hard to start writing again after a long period of not doing so. As any other task, the fingers get rusty, the machine slows down and suddenly I find myself sitting in front of my screen not having the slightest clue of what or even how to share it. But, I do know something. It´s better to do it. Whatever, just do it. And hope that my ability to write is still somewhere in me.
Today I had a good ol´ cold shower of humbleness. Life placed me again in a position where I was listening again to the same old twelve-or-so words. "You want people to do what you want, exactly as you want it, and if they don´t, you get pissed off." Oh, but that is so not true!!! What is wrong with yet another person telling me the same thing? Are they all wrong? Should I change my life all over again and perhaps one day I will find people who do not project that crap in the perfect me?
Let me give you a little flashback.
After living in Monterrey, Mexico for the last 4 years I decided (or life decided) to end the relationship with my previous partner and move to another town. It is for another blog all the jazz that led me to it and the learnings I got from it but in a nutshell: we weren´t making each other happy and we certainly did not allow the other to blossom as we should. It was really hard for us to meet halfway.
After a series of fortunate events I found myself falling in love way quicker than I expected, with most awesome guy I have ever met. He makes me laugh like no one and at the same time has a unique way of understanding the strange depths of my emotional world and has a perfect aim to get me. And luckily, he fell in love with me too. We have been together for a couple of months and it has been, to say the least, delightful and awe-inspiring.
Oh, but I am a dreamer and I tend to have super high stakes in which, as I discovered today, in my dream the boy should always do as I say. Period.
No matter how noble this attitude appears to be, not matter if it is about how many drinks someone has or someone´s spiritual growth, it is certainly not a sign of unconditional love. Which, I have vowed to.
So here I am in an ordinary day when somehow I find myself in the middle of an argument, certainly taking everything too personal, to seriously (which is the opposite of remaining in the moment), and I hear the same words that my former partner used to tell me. And if I were to investigate deeper, the one before him and the one before him.
Hold on just a moment, he is so wrong. They are all wrong! Man, did I choose wrong again? Should I leave and never, ever, ever come back? This thoughts coming through my head while at the same time I am attempting to explain to him, that I am no other than a mere reflection of him. And that he should listen to ME.
Aha! If something my Teacher has taught me is to always, always come back to my experience. My own heart.
And I had to shut up and listen to this beautiful person in front of me telling me what I´ve heard a thousand times. And my arrogant ego stepped aside and I considered that maybe, maybe, there is no conspiracy against me, always having to deal with the same shit. That maybe, just maybe, what I hear so often in my surroundings is so I finally hear it once and for all: and decide if that attitude brought me closer to happiness or not. I´ll tell you: if it frustrates you every time it comes up, then no. And it´s easier for me to drop that, than to expect the whole world to change.
Maybe the character will change hundreds of times, but it is indeed all a mere projection of me.
I guess he had the right attitude, the right tone of voice, the proper energy, the patience, the cute face, or simply I am ripe and tired of making it hard. But the truth is, while I was covered in a cold bucket of humbleness, my heart went warm to experience how much this world must love, to be patient enough with me to repeat this over and over.
I hope life doesn´t give up on me ever. I might be really stubborn sometimes but I am always willing to open up and see things from a wider perspective, even if this means that I am completely and utterly wrong. Thank God for that.
And what happened after that? Love. Pure love. And a cascade of patterns crashing and hitting the ground. But I only saw them with the corner of my right eye. Some of them were loud. Some of them subtle. Some of them claimed that I needed to defend my heart and myself, others that I was a tiny little bug, unprotected, and that no one will ever love me if they saw my craziness and how much I needed to make good deeds in order to be lovable again.
But my focus was on love, on this moment, and my stubbornness this time went towards staying rippingly present and let whatever needed to fall, fall. What no longer serves you doesn´t need you anyway, you just gotta open the door and wave them bye-bye.
The best possible shot I had while experiencing such a strong catharsis, was to focus on the joy of Now, to enjoy what the moment was giving me, to kiss and hug and not give a flying crap about what was moving inside of me.
How much did I enjoyed the hours after. And how stupidly lucky I am of finding someone who makes me laugh so much, and loves me so dearly, that when presented with the dichotomy of choosing between my resistances, positions and past tendencies, or to keep exploring this relationship from a newer perspective, I will always choose the latter with no hesitation whatsoever.
And after that cold bucket of humbleness, I made sure I cozied up with a warm shower.