A day at the fair of irrational fear
Yesterday, my boyfriend took me to the fair as a surprise. I loved it, I love the whole idea of lights, laughter, spins, twirls, games and allowing ourselves to be kids in a place where it is socially permitted to overdose in sugar and to scream like a crazy monkey. It was all running smooth and easy, making line for the games and enjoying the excitement of being able to connect in a different scenario. To be completely truthful, I wanted to behave perfectly, to be fun, light, enjoyable and fearless. As you might know, we recently had been through some challenges and, I wanted to be at my best self in an attempt to remind him how cool I am. Ha!
Life has its own way to reveal itself to us and to remind us that we are so not in control.
At some point, my boyfriend wanted to go in the labyrinth of mirrors. This house of glass that you go in, get lost, and slowly (or quickly), find the way out. I was paralyzed.
Who I wanted to be, was so far from what I wanted to do. I did not want to go in. Period. Last year I went through an episode of irrational fear. Crazy, i-dont-get-it fear of being trapped. Fear at the traffic jam, elevators, airplanes, and basically anything that would give me a sense of -What if i want to get out of here and I can´t.- Through meditation, acceptance and asking for a lot of help, I am much better now. BUT the labyrinth was just too much. Just too much.
I armed myself with shaking courage and went it. I trust the architectural mind of my boyfriend and I knew we would be out of there in no time. Yet, once I was feeling like I was loosing the bread crumb trail, I panicked. Sweaty, heart racing panic. So I rushed outside and allowed myself to shake and almost cry.
Minutes after we were in line for the Drop-off ride. That tower that you go up and up in a chair, they hold you up there for eternity (I am sure those guys that handle the game are so mean they enjoy to make people suffer). And then they drop you. Free fall. Irrational, nonsense fear. I knew it was, but I couldn´t manage it. No matter what my partner did to distract me and help me and hug me, I just had to ask him to go on the ride by himself.
I don´t know if he thought I was the most boring person in the world to go to the fair with. I usually love rides! But he has now idea how deeply grateful I am about the fact that he wasn´t laughing at me. My family used to do that when I was a kid. They laughed and laughed at my fears. Why wouldn´t they? They are irrational! But it sure didn´t help! Probably kindness and nice words didn´t help me to go through my fear this time, but at least I felt like I wasn´t crazy, and felt held and supported.
This morning I went to the dentist. There was a little girl in the cubicle besides me crying out loud for half hour because she was afraid of the needle. "Fear doesn´t exist, fear is in your head, you are much more than a needle" her mother said. It made no difference to her. She was terrified. It made me realize how our inner life is so weaved into collective consciousness that most of our fears are primal. I don´t think that little girl has had a traumatic experience with a gigantic needle after her when she was two years old, and I am sure I´ve never been trapped in a glass house for years.
Sometimes we know fear is in our heads. we know nothing can touch us and that we are eternal. We KNOW it. We have the information about it. Yet, it is not our experience yet. The irrationality of our souls come up in any given moment and reminds us that we are not in control of what we experience. Yet we get to choose how to experience it and get unlimited opportunities.
Not all fears are so apparent. Some of us are so frightened about not being accepted that we grab ourselves with all our nails to not show who we really are. Sometimes, there is an aspect, a trait of ourselves that we are afraid of, and we hide it, we hide it deep hoping no one will see it. And if someone does, we shut down like an oyster to protect ourselves, not from the other person, but from our own expression, thinking, we won´t be able to get out of it alive. I am all up for allowing the inner fears to come up, and I have proven once an again that fear is an illusion preventing us to see the brightness of our own beings and to receive acceptance in the outside.
Yet, we all have our own time. Our own pace. We only need to be willing to vulnerability and allow the fear to come up, and trust that we will find love and understanding around us in order to go through those fears (and maybe a few laughs, but hey, it helps us not to take it seriously!) .
As always a big learning for me, I got to see we all have our own process and we need to feel safe in order to let go completely. We can know in our hearts those things that frighten us and know they don not serve us, yet there is divine time to completely open up and let go. Let the illusion fade and be replaced by inner security. And our job is to be patient, with ourselves and with others. Some of us will have to try one hundred times before we completely jump the rope, and it is amazing to have someone to hold your hand one hundred and one times, to be our safety wheels.
My partner, while in line, would tell me: Meditate, Maharani, use your attitudes. I am!! And it´s still here! I remembered meditation will not eradicate all fears instantly. We don´t really meditate for any goal except for resting beyond the mind. How it looks on the outside is not up to us. Sometimes meditation will enhance those fears to come up and to experience them fully. Only that way, we can start seeing them for what they are. Illusions.
Let´s cut through the illusion. Of our hearts and of our lives. Then it becomes only a preference what we choose to do, and not a mind created limitation.
What´s your fear? Do fear dogs? Do you fear people? Do you fear to share your innermost feelings to the people you love? Do you fear failure? Identify it and don´t do anything with it but allow it to come up. Slowly start sharing it, slowly accept it. There is nothing wrong with you. I assure you millions uf people have your same fear. The fear is not special. Accept it fully and allow it to transform. Baby steps.
Me? I know I will get up that Dropoff one day an enjoy the ride. The glass house? Mmmm... not so much.
Love until there is no fear left